the questions were given to me for the second time, in a hurriedly-folded note, thrust into my hand my a student before she left my classroom for the last time. today was the last day of the semester, and my last day with most of my students. it was written in my student's pretty curled script.
in Tuesday's class, i asked my students to write down any hanging topics they would like to discuss in our final period. i got a range from, "How can I get over bad things that have happened in my past?" to, "I need help dealing with heartbreak," to "Do you love yourself? Do you love anyone more than yourself?" i took teacher's liberty and paraphrased 7 of the questions, put them on cards, and passed them out for class discussion. i'd changed up the above question to, "How do you know if you love yourself?"
my student who asked me is a beautiful girl who has recently moved from India. she gets frustrated with me here and there, and she and i sometimes write notes back and forth to discuss things. her last note communicated well her message to me that i had missed her point. in fact, it was even re-written on the back of my paraphrased card.
so, she gave me a second chance. the bell had rung and we had some still time. after she was sure i'd read her questions, she began shuffling through graded papers to let me know the answers needed to come now.
"Are you asking these questions specifically to me?"
A single, determined nod.
"Do I love myself? Yes."
An exhaled, ha! laugh.
"Lately, a couple of people have told me they feel that I don't love myself. Sometimes people misunderstand each other. But, I do love myself, even if sometimes I am not completely confident."
her eyes narrow, paper shuffling becomes more terse.
"I know that I love myself because I accept myself, even though I'm not perfect. And I know I am important to the world."
still no verbal response. suddenly it occurs to me that possibly she was looking for a philosophical conversation, not a confession. i feel a bit vulnerable. then, remember i am talking to the most private person i've ever met. my confession is safe.
"Do I love anyone more than myself?" hmmm. pause.
she looks up, to see why i didn't finish.
i didn't finish because i don't know.
"i don't know how to measure love for other people with love for myself. i don't know. i do love other people."
another, knowing, laugh.
"Do you love yourself?"
she answers.
"Does your mother love herself?
i don't think she'd thought of that.
"Do you love anyone more than yourself?"
another answer. i'm not sharing, because it's her private information.
i was very intrigued by this conversation. unfortunately right at this point, students began pouring in the room to discuss their sudden interest in getting good grades. it reminded me of a poster one of my teachers had on her wall back in my day, "Lack of preparedness on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." i had to leave the conversation, and my philosopher's mother was waiting.
her question is yet unanswered. and i am not satisfied with her own answers. the semester ended too soon!
3 comments:
That is an interesting question. I'm wondering what she was really asking and what was behind the question. I do think that the way you love yourself and the way you love others is different so it's hard to compare. But if you don't love yourself, I think there's a great risk of losing yourself in loving others. Hmmm....this is very deep for me on a Friday morning. ;o)
I love what you are doing. I miss you. I am jealous in a way of the opportunity you have to influence these kids. You are wonderful and I love you lots.
I think I know that girl....
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